Day 403

It’s not too often I am at a loss for words. Yet this year your birthday rings truer than ever before. I am no longer able to turn a blind eye and tell myself you are living, just somewhere else. The fog of Dave has receded far enough that there you are. In front of me. No denial or reasoning. You are gone. Why then do I still remember your birthday every year? Why remember all of the years we spent? Isn’t only harmful?

This year one of my first thoughts was of telling you I was pregnant. Sobbing in our two bedroom apartment I struggled to remain quiet enough that our roommate would fail to notice. With the weight of my body sliding down the wall I could feel the universe crushing me. All I ever wanted with you was to build a life. I wanted to show you unconditional unwavering love from the second you shook my hand at Pier 1. To grow with you. Something I had yet to feel until you showed up laughing. I knew in this moment it would never be. I knew we would both die junkies. I thought I knew. You did your best to console me as I don’t believe you had ever seen me like that before or after.

That was in a time when I didn’t have the words Monks. I didn’t know how to say I wanted to get clean. I wanted to ride this roller coaster with you. I wanted to just be us. There was never really us, just a constant threesome with pills, weed, drugs, _______ you know babe. Sometimes I wonder if I would have said it then maybe…….

Ugh the maybes!

I can’t help but to think back on the memories with Dolce. She loved you entirely. She loves no one entirely anymore. We were your girls. Completely happy to snuggle and watch Futurama on repeat. She never left our side. And you. God you loved her. I never saw you as gentle or vulnerable as when you would hold her and whisper I love you.

We loved you. I loved you. I still fucking love you years later.

I’m sorry I couldn’t find my voice quicker

Happy Birthday Monks! You are the true essence of my personality and I am grateful for the daily reminders that you are still so much apart of me. Bump up there with Dave and force him to eat Indian please 😬😘

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