Day 361

Sitting in a bed we had once shared together. That was our sons first “big boy” bed. The one that has a rock n rye stain in the right corner. Now sitting in your brothers old room. I was consumed with the thought that I would need to go downstairs. That is where I left my piece of you. That is where I need to say it’s ok. I sat and contemplated for a few minutes. Looking into the mirror in my bronzer case I felt stupid. Weak. Insignificant. With each brush stroke I knew I was putting on makeup to cry it off. In that moment I needed to have a pep talk with myself. Usually I do this in a big mirror so I can make eye contact with myself. I pulled out my phone and started recording. What a surreal experience. After I had composed myself I came back to the video to delete it. Instead I found beauty in the breakdown as they say. I could barely believe the things coming out of my mouth. How true and raw my emotions were. I sat with that play screen for awhile. It felt like an eternity.
Oh shit.
Ugh this is rough.
These screenshots encompass the true nature of grief. How I have put on a mask each day only to sob it off hours later. My reality behind closed doors.

I have grief right where I want it.
I am not turning back. #theoptimisticwidow #griefrecovery #warriorwidow #griefsucks Photo idea cred to @griefstagram 💕💕

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