Day 343

” I’ll smile.
I know what it takes to fool this town.
I’ll do it till the sun goes down and all through the night time.
I’ll tell you what you wanna hear but leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear.
It’s never the right time.
I’ll put my armor on so you know how strong I am.
I’ll put my armor on and show you that I am unstoppable.” -Sia

My eyes flash open to the dark room
Why am I awake?
I resituate myself struggling to find a comfortable position.
Leg up.
Leg down.
Over the blanket.
Half and half.
Nothing.
*sigh*
I look up across the bed and I see you.
Laying in your spot like always.
Is this real?
What is happening?
You gasp

Waking up for real I lay in silence
In the darkness
Unable to move
Why are you back?
I mean part of you is always around but not like this?
Is my mind reaching?
This sick twisted love affair I am having with grief is wearing on me. Why can’t I be in some movie montage with some sappy ass song and the pages of the calendar flying off into the wind? My mind and I play tricks on me as I essentially spend about 76% taunting my other half. I am just angry. I am so fucking angry. How could I not invite her out? I want it gone. A personal exorcism in a way. I was watching Animal Planet the other day and saw a “freeze thaw” caterpillar. Basically every fall the caterpillar freezes from the inside out becoming one with the earth and then six months later BOOM it’s defrosted and alive again …… or maybe still alive? I’m not really sure.

As I am trust falling into the cavern of grief I can only hope that I too will emerge victorious. Slightly unfazed by the events of the past year. Of all the years really. I hope to take this time as a cocoon.
Complete deconstruction.
Grow within it.
And finally the emergence.

🐛 ☀️ 🦋

Thank you Ready, Set, Grieve for the picture 💕