Day 1,428

In January, I want to say, I started listening to podcasts on my way to work.
It began with ones about astrology or tarot.
Back then I was constantly seeking.
Not sure what I was looking for but that had really been a summary of the previous thirty one years.

Find it Jess.
That thing you consistently have felt devoid of.
Find it and make it apart of you and then……
THEN you will feel ok.
Looking back on the Jess from 01-01-2020 I am astounded at how far one individual can come in just nine months.

Nine months though is the length of time to create life after all so in all actuality it makes complete sense.

Life is full of things like this.
They sound like tomfoolery until you pause and realize that maybe you were just seeing through illusions placed long before you ever even felt the light.

Down the long winding road to the bridge, sun in my eyes.
Abraham speaks of gratitude and the practice of gratitude.
My mind jumps to nights laying next to Dave at the Bradshaw’s. In that time I practiced a gratitude list to fall asleep. Simple thank you and fill in the blanks as I had been taught by a sponsor.
Thank you for my health, I ignored it before.
Thank you for my baby, I didn’t believe I could.
Thank you for my husband, I am learning real love.
Thank you for my home, I have come from so little.
Thank you for the food in my fridge, I remember the days of not eating.
Thank you for this bed.
Thank you for the soft sound of sleep
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
I did this believing wholeheartedly that if you did not show gratitude for things in your life then undoubtedly you would lose it.
I am not sure how to feel about it now.
Realizing that in the end I lost anyway.
Well I lost and found…..

“When you feel gratitude, often you are looking at a difficulty that you have overcome, but there is still some of that “struggle” vibration present. The state of appreciation is seeing whatever you are looking at through the eyes of Source. . . You could walk down a crowded street with all kinds of things that a lot of other people would find reason to criticize or worry about, and you would not have access to them because your vibration of appreciation is picking out for you things of a different vibrational nature.” -Abraham

As I continued my commute I started thinking about what appreciation looked like in comparison to gratitude.
Google my friend:
Appreciation:  recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something; full understanding of a situation.
Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
Low and behold appreciation is a part of gratitude.

*The fundamental difference between gratitude and appreciation is the lack of justification to arrive in the present.*

When the above popped into my mind it suddenly made sense.
Ok so to appreciate I do not have to say thank you for_______ and this is why!
I only need to stay in the present and say thank you.
No reason or justification.
I flashed back to how Dave used to tell me nearly every night he appreciated me. I used to think it was such a weird thing to say but now as time continues I think he knew much of what I have been learning. That he understood love is just a word and some words are far more fitting. He did appreciate me but I was unable to remain open minded.
I am grateful for hindsight.
And appreciative of ….. man this is much harder than my simple summary.
Growth. -Still refers to the former
Self care time?
Long commutes?
Abraham?
Universe?

Getting closer to work I pulled up to my typical 7/11 to grab my morning coffee.
As I stood waiting to grab my cup a man walked passed bumping into me slightly on his way to the restroom. His head down, hoodie all the way up, not a peep of acknowledgment he was on a mission. This man triggered memories of using in almost any 7/11 bathroom on Santa Fe or Broadway from Highlands Ranch to Denver. I also realized that out of the hundreds of times I have stopped at a 7/11 since getting sober this was the first time I had recalled the painful memories of my past.
This is pivotal.
In a situation where I could have easily been triggered many times over I had chosen not to go to that part of my mind.
Subconsciously but still it is possible.
When did this begin?
How do I use this in other areas of my life?

While this realization was shaking I decided to be appreciative of warm coffee on a cool fall morning. I stood at the counter pouring sugar smiling knowing that with each layer I uncover I am healing.

“The appreciation that Source feels for you, never-endingly, will wrap you in a warm blanket of worthiness if you will allow it.”