Day 1,239

“Every inch of me is trembling
But not from the cold
Something is familiar
Like a dream I can reach but not quite hold
I can sense you there
Like a friend I’ve always known
I’m arriving
And it feels like I am home

I have always been a fortress
Cold secrets deep inside
You have secrets, too
But you don’t have to hide”

This idea of perspective has been a recurring theme the past six months or so. It’s a nagging I cannot seem to shake. Yesterday I watched a bird bump its head into a window repeatedly, not in harmful manner but almost in a sad “can I go there please?” way. This bird lives in home filled with other animal friends, always has food, clean cage, and warm bed. There is nothing truly this bird should require yet it still longs to be somewhere else.

“Show yourself
I’m dying to meet you
Show yourself
It’s your turn
Are you the one I’ve been looking for
All of my life?
Show yourself
I’m ready to learn”

I asked myself what is it that she thinks she wants? Aren’t animals of the basic needs? Do they understand wants? If she got it would that even be what makes her happy?

“I’ve never felt so certain
All my life I’ve been torn
But I’m here for a reason
Could it be the reason I was born?
I have always been so different
Normal rules did not apply
Is this the day?
Are you the way
I finally find out why?”

While driving to work today I listened to Abraham Hick’s teachings of the vortex. As they spoke of releasing into the flow I watched a bug madly fluttering at my windshield. As if in a panic it tried over and over until exhausted enough to sit on my dash still looking at the windshield in front of it. I rolled down my window to allow it to free itself. Instead again and again it flew at the windshield. I thought of the words coming through my speakers. “I choose to go to the vortex because I feel happier there. I choose to go the vortex because I dance there. I choose to go to the vortex for emotional health.” They say the animal kingdom works from instinct but I had watched two examples of fear intercepting the truth of instinct. How could I not be kinder to myself for doing the same? Why could I not forgive others of their indiscretions in similar situations? Did the bug not feel the breeze? Could it not see the freedom just to the left of it?

“Show yourself
I’m no longer trembling
Here I am
I’ve come so far
You are the answer I’ve waited for
All of my life
Oh, show yourself
Let me see who you are

Come to me now
Open your door
Don’t make me wait
One moment more
Oh, come to me now
Open your door
Don’t make me wait
One moment more”

A short while later I was singing “Show yourself” from Frozen 2. I have been drawn to this song from the first time I heard it. The layers of identifying have given me chills in so many circumstances. I remember wading at the edge of the water in Florida singing it to the sea as if it were a personal dialogue. Coming from this place of lack this week I sang at the top of my lungs. “SHOW YOURSELF I’M DYING TO MEET YOU!” Singing as a plea to him, her, us, them, singing in hopes that universe hears. The tears begin again. Slowly making rivers of memory along the bridge of my nose, down my cheeks and dripping off of my chin.. I have come to know only the warmth of tears, all else I keep at a distance.

“Where the north wind meets the sea
There’s a river
Full of memory
Come, my darling, homeward bound.

I am found”

As Elsa belts out “I am found!” my buggy friend floats out of the window that had been open for the past half hour. I realized all at once that I am not singing to others. I am singing to me. I am singing to awaken whatever is just below the surface. I am singing for fearlessness. I am singing to process, scream, and allow myself to release my deepest scars. I am singing because I sense the dawn. I can no longer seek God outside of myself, I don’t want to. I am who I have been running from and towards. I related to the bird and bug. I am so focused on the wall between myself and freedom that I have blinded out anything that wasn’t what I expect freedom to look like. This idea rippled throughout my mind. In my relationship/not relationship I try to box it up. In my style of parenting I box it. In my work ethic I box it. In my accomplishments I box my fucking self over and over in a spiral of shame, guilt, judgement, and anger.

“Show yourself
Step into your power
Throw yourself
Into something new

You are the one you’ve been waiting for
All of my life
Oh, show yourself”

That is the purpose of self discovery after all. We dig deep and weed out the crap. Awareness is a strange phenomenon. Without it we are ignorant to the pain we cause not just to ourselves but to all near us. With it the pain is so excruciating I understand why I and many others spend lifetimes running. This pain is a blessing. I have carried it inside of me for thirty one years allowing it to compound and be added to. If you do not feel it you can not free it. Today I choose to go to the vortex because it makes me sing, even if I have tears in my eyes. I am grateful for retrograde, challenges, and growth. I know now I am truly never alone.

May I never cease the endeavor for my truest self, she is worth it.  

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I am the one I’ve been waiting for all of my life.