Day 1,162

It’s hard for me to tell you that I’ve been through it too

You’re tryna clean up the mess
Sewing together what’s left
You said
I used to trust so easily
I used to fall for anything
But under all my boundaries
I just didn’t know better
I used to have no confidence
Uncomfortable in my own skin
Deep down, way-way back then
I just didn’t know better

– Ivan B (Didn’t know better)

Writing is slowly seeping back into my veins.

I hear it bubble beneath the surface but not in that old familiar pain way; more of a how do I capture growth?

That’s really it. In 2019 I have been reserved, quiet, digging, and changing.

When the year started out I was just coming to grips with losing my aunt. I was at a dead end job where I did not make enough to cover the bills, although as life grows it tends to always feel that way. I lived in a location that was no longer safe.  I was seeking a relationship as if it were the last life raft on the damn Titanic. I fell for tricks. I was hopeful. I was brutally honest and willfully courageous. I have struggled with parenting challenges and been given the gift of relief. I learned that there is peace in speaking my truth directly to the ones I feared would reject me most. I saw in the cavern of my grief that family love is always there. I had bouts of depression and creation. I sat silently staring at my wall some nights. I laughed. I cried. I grew.

As I am closing my year I am looking to growth within a company that sees my potential. I have a safe home with a room for all. No more two bedroom struggles. I have two healthy and mostly happy children, Izzy is special. Aj is reading and doing math….. He is getting the education I fought for. Izzy loves to sing (when she’s not screaming) and is writing! I am no longer seeking “love” to fill the void but instead living life and if it comes it comes. This is a true blessing. The lonely isolation of widowhood is tricky and exhausting. There is such light in realizing that one is more than enough completely autonomously. I have truly understood equality and how to bring myself to a place I deserve instead of desperately grasping for connection. I took the time to go back home. Not only my own but Dave’s home. I went and made peace with demons from my past. The fear of expressing truth to those we both love most. The freedom in brutal honesty. The utter shock of being met with love in a place I swore would push me further from that “home” I held like a fairytale in my mind. I tried new mediums of expression and kept my internal dialogue to myself while I sorted through complicated webs of trauma, loss, anger, joy, hope, really all of it. It is true when they say the only way out is through. Sometimes multiple attempts and numerous failures but still I was not about to back down now. Not when I have fought to stand tall in front of my own mirror.

It seems most years of my life bring new lessons but 2019 was truly my cocoon. I feel with every ounce of who I am that I have been put here to help others. I believe my struggles have purpose and I KNOW we’ll be just fine in the end. Not the bad F.I.N.E. but a genuine smile of “I am ok” What a blessing to feel ok finally.

This year I am replacing all of my negative self talk for the year to come:

*YOU WILL FAIL –>
                     I am courageous, determined, resilient, not the average and that’s how I succeed.
*You are NOT smart enough –>
                      I really can learn anything I want.
*You are unlovable –>
                        I love ALL of me, for me.
*You are a terrible mom –>
                         I have truly dedicated myself to my children, not everyone can say that.
*You are fat and ugly –>
                         I am more than just the meat puppet. I don’t believe beauty is just surface.
                         Fuck the mask or a diet, I want to be happy and healthy on my terms.

See ya 2019! 2020 doesn’t know what’s coming for it

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