Day 847

This evening I was challenged. I was staring directly at one of my deep rooted fears. I know I am not alone in this. I had financial insecurity out the roof, I fell short as a mother, and was embarrassed as a member of society.

I took the kids to the store to grab some fruit and lunch stuff for the rest of the week. They were terrible, they were over tired, like chimpanzees fighting in a cage aka cart. So I was already stressed.

Look at the clock … ugh it’s late.
Snap at kids.
Load belt.
“Hi, how are you” ☺️
“Sit down or we’ll go in timeout here in the store” 👀
😬
Slowest cashier in the world.
She’s sweet though.
Oh no don’t engage.
“Nice weather…”
Fast forward ten minutes and at least a thousand reprimands.
“And your total is”
Swipe
“Isabelle SIT DOWN!”
🚨 DECLINED
😳 wtf
“Try again this happens a lot” she says with an empathetic smile.
Swipe
“Izzy SERIOUSLY!” 😡
🚨 DECLINED
😨
😰
“I WANT CANDY!!!!!!” 🤬 says my oh so considerate child.

So I grabbed both kids and just walked out. I said nothing except a matter of it all being a little too much. It was all just a little TOO much.

I got in the car and was silent.
I didn’t know if I should cry.
What good would it do?
It’s not like we are starving. It was just the culmination of my life being ever so slightly too much.

I got the kids home and feed them some food.
Sitting down to finally relax I knew I needed to reach out. This stuff eats away at me. Like a virus encroaching further into my body. Through this consistent action of communication I have been able to see clearly how any situation is not nearly as bad it felt and that I will have gained far more than lost. This time my life lesson was that everything serves a purpose in our lives. When things feel bad it’s nothing but a feeling. How long was I willing to sit with that shame and guilt? Where could I have been more present? More considerate? …..I wasn’t.

After the kids ate we went back to Walmart.
I approached customer service to explain the situation and how I would like to apologize. They radioed the girl to the front.

Walking up I know she was probably like 🤨 the actual fuck.

“I want to apologize for literally walking away and leaving my mess for you to clean up.”
This girl started tearing up so of course I did too.
“I’m a single mom and it’s a Tuesday and I’m an asshole widow I’m sorry.”

The girl busts in tears …….
“I was just widowed!” She proclaims.
This whole night was a roller coaster of emotions.

Dear universe the way you lead me to others is sick sometimes 👌 💗 still grateful doe