Day 828

Bath time meditations 🧘‍♀️

“Dear insecurity

I hate the way you make me feel
I hate the things you make me think
You make me sick to my stomach
I wish that I wasn’t me
Some days, when I wake up I see myself in the mirror
I feel like what shouldn’t be couldn’t be clearer
My nose to my clothes, from my chin to my skin
I’ll never be good enough ever again
For you, so I changed for you
Then I’d died for you, then you made me blue
If I were you, I’d hate me too
But I already feel like you do
Because, you tell me I’m not worth shit
And the bad luck’s on purpose
And if I’m sad then I deserve it
But underneath the surface
I’m hurting, searching and learning
My imperfections make me perfect.”

I had this epiphany.

Meditating in the bath.

Only those solitary drops here and there and the sound of singing bowls. One candle flickers as the steam rises around it.

💡I actually do not NEED a man.💡

This for me was something I thought I had grasped yet in this meditative state there was no (but…..) happening within this internal dialogue.

A first since Dave.

It had almost always been situations like “I don’t need a man but extra money is nice.” Or “I don’t need a man but it’s nice to be touched like a person.”

As I laid there all I could think is how fucking much I have build from nothing. All the hardships encountered, tears shed, nights wide awake, or months in a fog somehow I am here. Now. On my own two feet. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride and admiration for my own belief in myself.

Suddenly like a jenga game pieces began to fall. Toxic friends, resentments, some family, ex boyfriends, guilt, shame, self loathing pooled around me. I glanced down.

“Finally!” my spirit screams

Oh how deep that knowledge truly is.

I can let go.

I can.

I have.

I will.

I pause and wonder if I can word this properly.

I was so ashamed to build self confidence in a world that yells how flawed I am that I almost missed the miracle of meeting myself.

Twins in the same plain.

I did not in fact need a singular man or woman. That my support comes from community and through their selfless nonjudgmental love I have begun growing into a beautiful and loving individual. I am able to grow in the light and speak in the dark. If you don’t know what I am saying please stop and say THANK YOU GOD! Thank you thank you thank you. If you understand you know exactly the cost of this level of understanding and freedom.

The road in which I have traversed has not been kind but I love the unending resilience my feeble body holds.

“I feel like I’m dying on the inside
But I smile it off
I’m a mess, I’m depressed, I’m alone and it’s all my fault
Did I do something wrong? This feeling’s unfair
You’re making me anxious but why the fuck do I care?
I overthink everything til’ my thoughts are impaired
I hate everything about me I think I need some air
Drink some water, take a breath
Take a moment to be thankful for the reasons that you’re blessed
It’s not about mistakes you made or failures that you had
It’s all about the memories & little things you have
Your freckles and flaws to your body and bruises
Your scars to your beautiful birth marks, the truth is
We’re one in the same
So play the cards that your dealt
Nobody likes you more than when you’re being yourself

Dear insecurity
When you gonna take your hands off me?
When you ever gonna let me be
Proud of who I am?
Oh insecurity
It’s time I make you take your hands off me?
Set me free, I’m gonna let you see.
I’m proud of who I am.

I am
Proud of the person who I am
Nobody’s gon’ tell me who I am
Or who I can be
I am
Taking my life into my hands
Their tired of hiding who I am
I am me.” -Dear Insecurity (Gnash)