I feel weak today.
Ironic since I felt so empowered just 48 hours ago.
I felt weak at work.
I walked into a meeting to train others on something I don’t fully understand and was physically shaking.
Many times each day I feel inadequate.
That my 150% that I never had to begin with will never be enough in the end.
No matter how hard I try.
The first person sat down and snap!
There I was.
How have I fooled them all?
How can they not see how much I struggle daily?
Maybe they do….
I spent the rest of the day holding back tears as the cloud of overwhelming defeat loomed.
I keep searching for this thing I swore I had already found.
Lately my head has been cruel in ways I would never be to another.
Ripping down any and everything I may take pride in.
You are no writer.
You have an open diary.
Anyone can do that.
You should not paint.
It’s terrible and holds no purpose.
You are a horrible mom.
Most days you are too burnt out to ever show up the way you should.
A worse girlfriend.
With all your fucking baggage.
You are no value to any company.
You have no education or ability to learn.
You fail as a friend.
You fail as a family member.
Why would I say such harmful sentences.
These fallacies that I know in my heart are untrue.
Yet I can’t stop.
It’s breaking me down.