I feel weak today.
Ironic since I felt so empowered just 48 hours ago.
I felt weak at work.
Incompetent.
Incapable.
Insecure.
I walked into a meeting to train others on something I don’t fully understand and was physically shaking.
Many times each day I feel inadequate.
That my 150% that I never had to begin with will never be enough in the end.
No matter how hard I try.
The first person sat down and snap!
There I was.
Vibrant.
Charismatic.
Knowledgeable.
Jess.
How have I fooled them all?
How can they not see how much I struggle daily?
Maybe they do….
Fuck
I spent the rest of the day holding back tears as the cloud of overwhelming defeat loomed.
I keep searching for this thing I swore I had already found.
Lately my head has been cruel in ways I would never be to another.
Ripping down any and everything I may take pride in.
You are no writer.
You have an open diary.
Anyone can do that.
You should not paint.
It’s terrible and holds no purpose.
You are a horrible mom.
Most days you are too burnt out to ever show up the way you should.
A worse girlfriend.
With all your fucking baggage.
You are no value to any company.
You have no education or ability to learn.
You fail as a friend.
You fail as a family member.
You fail.
Why would I say such harmful sentences.
These fallacies that I know in my heart are untrue.
It’s senseless.
Yet I can’t stop.
It’s breaking me down.
Slowly.
Again.
Again.
Again.
The Optimistic Widow 
Thank you! I’m feeling the same this week and beating myself up for all that I’m not. It’s all in my head. I know that. My therapist tells me that. I just feel lost and lonely. I tho k when we feel this way we only have ourselves to beat up instead of realizing how great we really are and giving ourselves a break. Thanks again.
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Thank you 💕🙏 hopefully we both remember all that we are doing not just the negative
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