Day 449

“I wanna sing a song worth singing

I’ll write an anthem worth repeating

I wanna feel the transformation

A melody of reformation

The list goes on forever

Of all the ways I could be better

In my mind

As if I could earn God’s favor given time

Or at least “congratulations”

Now I have learned my lesson

The price of this so-called perfection

Is everything

I’ve spent my whole life searching desperately

To find out that grace requires nothing of me

I wanna sing a song worth singing

I’ll write an anthem worth repeating”

-Atlas: One *Sleeping at Last*

Some speak in these intensely beautiful vibrations. No formation of language. Like a melody that moves your body effortlessly. As I grow I am finding that I act with instinct first and think second. That initial crash however is the core of my truth. Not washed out by society or self. The true essence of emotion. Wonder. Fearlessly authentic. Over the new year the universe finally cut me a break. I got to sit with myself in the silence. I couldn’t remember the sound of silence. Usually it’s quiet all around while my head is screaming. Looking across that backyard as the sunset behind the trees my soul took in a huge breath.

Suffocation of the soul is one of the worst things a person could endure.

I was here.

All of me.

I felt safe for the first time in probably forever. Leaning in to the chair I smiled and twirled a strand of my hair. I knew this moment was not meant to be held. Accepting that fact is crucial. The calm the person next to me exuded was intoxicating.

Now honesty time….

I fall in love.

There is no in between. I will fall in love or just not waste my time. The presence like his was completely unknown, while I have claimed love multiple times before this was not like those. This love was more for me. It was picking me up and reminding me of what I deserved. Validating that worth my inner voice has been saying on repeat for years in a language I didn’t speak. That I can be me. Loud, quiet, insane, or exhausted. I was learning to re-fall for Jess.

The funny thing about love is that it comes and goes like the wind. In short gusts you build new friendships with coworkers. Darting through the trees when you’re soul makes connections with another almost as tortured as you. A steady summer breeze when you look into your life adventurers eyes. Whether it be a dog or another human we all have beings that we make agreements with to endure until the very end. Stronger still the wave when you watch your child accomplish something new. Their eyes beaming. Smile from ear to ear. The vortex that is grief. Gathering you up and slamming you down. Insert the calm. The kind that sings to you as it makes the strands of you hair dance on your face. I have never known calm. Constant. Reliable. I have been in the path of many breezes but none have felt like perhaps this is not me breaking the momentum but becoming a part of my own air. Part of who I was always destined to become.

When he appeared I had already decided to remove my mask. He walked into the shit storm of my previous breakup and grief waves 500 stories high. So I dived into all that he could or wouldn’t be. For hours we converse about (everything) the HARDEST shit we could possibly ever think of. Spewing fears, thoughts, emotions heart wrenching in nature. Exposing exactly who we really were down to our very bones. As time progresses we start to build after the mass rubble clear.

How do you not just fall in love with vulnerability.

Reckless.

Without abandon.

Or care.

When you meet someone you swear you have ruled a country with in a previous life.

Widow love.

Ahhh widow love has be the purest form I have given other than being a parent, and even then in parenting it’s easy to get lost in the day to day. After experiencing the loss of a significant other my brain rewired to pause, consider, assess, communicate, grow, risk, be.

Grief has gifted me again with the ability to be.