Day 448

Why is it when we suffer at all we blame God?

In everything. Even those who don’t believe in maintaining a relationship with him are the quickest to point the finger.

Ordered a pizza. Wanted sausage got cheese. God hates me and thinks I’m fat.

Trying to prove myself at work. Sent an email discussing something I knew nothing about. Now I sound stupid and will get nowhere. God hates me.

Got in a car accident. God hates me.

Wanted a relationship to work. God hates me.

My husband suddenly drops dead. GOD HATES ME!!!!

Is there a reason my head always goes to the negative? Or why I cannot see a lesson or gentle nudge in any of it.

In AA they say that you experience pain BECAUSE you have the FREEDOM of choice. The freedom to fall on your face or climb that mountain. The freedom to eat that cake or not. Many times I feel as though I always choose the freedom to fail. I’ll turn to the sky cursing about anything that did or could go wrong as if it’ll change the reality. It’s only an illusion of hope I keep for myself. My failures or accomplishments are not decided by someone else. They are decided by me. My self will. My ego. When I fall he falls. When I step into fear he is there but not to do it for me just to whisper “you can do this”. I know when I am screaming in my car he helps the mind create words pushing, purging this toxic sludge of energy out of me.

I go back to the saying that “God breaks you down so he can build you up”. What if it’s me. Just me breaking and rebuilding in this endless search. What if he is only the observer of how humans evolve? Am I still failing then?