Day 381

I’m still searching.
Endlessly reaching for something in the pitch black.
As I drove to this event the words were bubbling. I was in my car screaming at myself. This is not metaphorical in the slightest. I was yelling at myself. “Why!? Why are you still tormenting me? Let me be. I feel beyond crazy. Am I fucking schizophrenic? I can’t be! Crazy people don’t know they are crazy right?” Words come out of my mouth completely unattached to my being. “Who am I supposed to be! FUCK! Fuck you if your sending signs!

I don’t understand the message…..

Get better! Please…..” Tears flow from the vessel that now carries me. Most days lately I feel like I’ve done it. I’ve made it through. I open my eyes with a smile and determination only to meet the night defeated again.
Let the rubble fall you can’t rebuild on a rocky surface. You cannot paint rust. Or duct tape this kind of broken. Complete demolition is the only way for proper construction.
“Ugh this was supposed to leave now!” Grabbing the steering wheel with sweaty palms. A lump in my throat. I know I have lied to myself again.


Maybe it’s not North but West

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