Day 264

I put Aj to bed and you hit me. You hit like a ton of bricks. My chest constricted as a million thoughts played bumper cars in my head. How is it that you are still gone? My mind cannot wrap around the thought that you are not just out there living somewhere far away. My common sense knows but my core won’t allow it. I still sometimes hold my breath when I walk in the house at the end of the day. Part of me still expects to see you. I want to yell “Babe I’m home” again. Instead I choke back a golf ball. How ignorant we all are when the person we pledge our love to just wakes up morning after morning. So many little petty bullshit reasons I had to be mad. Maybe if I had? Maybe if I did? When does this get better? As of right now it’s growing. Slowly and patiently expanding across my entire being. I hate reality. It’s some real shit. Growing. I feel it. I am suffocating. Again. I know it’s true because suddenly I feel you again. As if you know I need a life vest but all you can give me is some imaginary bullshit that is suffocating us both. It’s like that new Kesha video. ” Am I dead? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a god, something, or whatever why have I been abandoned? What is the lesson? What is the point? God give me a sign or I have to give up. I can’t do this anymore.”

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