Day 223

“You taught me the courage of stars before you left. How life carries on endlessly. Even after death. With shortness of breath you explain the infinite. How rare and beautiful it is to even exist. I couldn’t help but ask for you to say it all again. I try to write it down but I can never find a pen. I’d give anything to hear or see you one more time. With shortness of breath I’ll explain the infinite. How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.”

With Dave suddenly passing it seems nothing has been real or solid for months. I’m going to create a list of things I do know about me currently to help put some perspective.

List of life:

1) I am funny and outrageous! I can be quick tempered and short at times but mostly I just want to smile with those around me. I’m not afraid to throw a joke out and watch it flop; which is what really makes someone funny right? 😂

2) I am beautiful! Inside and out. I have so much to give but I have learned over the past eight months to water my own garden first. I have learned to appreciate the little things I do or things on my body I once hated. Learning to love myself has made me boarderline narcissistic because bitch you lucky to know me. I’m lucky to know me too.💕

3) I am resilient! Shit bitch I been through it this past year. I am not saying I live THE hardest life but it most definitely is not something someone would actually choose. Still each day I try to wake up with a smile or if I fall short I have no problem restarting my day right then and there. I have created something from nothing time and time again. I hope one day someone can look at me and think I can do this if she can. Like I do with Britney Spears. 💪

4) I am genuine! What you see is what you get. I’ve tried being fake but in the end the real me is too strong of a personality to contain. Don’t get me wrong I can front and say I’m fine when I’m not but if you ask me if I’m good at math I won’t bullshit you. I like what I like whether it’s cool or not. I wear what I want regardless if it’s fashionable or not. I am who I am. 😎

5) I am a dedicated employee! Listen I have a serious work ethic. I always have but even more now that I’m older. I wholeheartedly love all of the companies I have spent time with. At my last job I sobbed like my boyfriend broke up with me when I found out we were parting ways. In a lot of ways it felt like my company too. I have no doubt I will find a new company to pour my passion into. 💼

6) I am a great friend! I am that bitch you can call anytime. Snap when you’re bored. Send meme’s that other just might not get. I used to live in the open door policy because to me friends are family. I love to cook for those I love or just chill on the coach watching “My strange Addiction” or Buzzer and playing on our phones. I have and always will be a ride or die bitch. Luckily I’ve been blessed enough to have so many people touch my life. 👯

7) I am smart! I may not be book smart to some but I am scrappier than I look and tend to land on my feet. I can learn almost anything quickly and then my perfectionism will kick in and well perfect it 😊 life experience can really take you a long way. Thank god. 📚

8) I am an amazing mother! Fuck this one is hard for me. I feel like a constant failure. Constantly. Yet when I look at my kids they are smiling, learning, and exploring. Somehow the three of us have pulled it together and are building our ideal life. Being a parent is no joke though! I seriously consider giving them up and walking away at least once a week. It’s kinda like no pain no gain I guess. At the end of the day though I look forward to laying them down and say “I love you” because I can’t imagine my life without either of them. Single parenthood is just a lot. 👶🏻

This is a list for me to remember how much I still have. Something to look back on when I’m filled with doubt. To remind me how much I have grown in each of my different parts of life.

#wordvomit