Day 56

“But I don’t smile like before”

Life is getting the way I think. Our normal has begun. Things are slowing down. I can anticipate most of the next day. Life is getting good again. The only problem is the holidays. I could seriously skip over them and not feel even a tinge of sadness. The issue is the rest of the world. The saying the world doesn’t stop no matter what is happening in your life is more than just true. It’s nauseatingly real. Just as I always do though I will continue going through the motions until one day I won’t feel the need to distract myself from the present. I know next year won’t be as bad but I enjoy flying under the radar while I try to figure out who I even am anymore. Holidays + Widowdom + Children = no relief. Don’t get me wrong. I miss him all the time but I think at this point it has become my middle ground to miss him. I find myself almost constantly wanting to text or call him. I’ll feel sad in the moment. Then the feeling passes and I’m ok. It seems too soon to be ok. Yet I know I’m not fully ok you know. This whole thing is just fucked all around. I waiver constantly with pride and awe in myself and totally despising my whole existence. Whether it’s hanging the kids video monitor myself and somehow knowing exactly what tools I need because of him. Or putting up Christmas stuff for the kids (even though every part of me wants this fucking year to end). To crying while buying lights for our tree because I have no idea what the hell 225 lights even is! Is that enough for a tree? Why can’t it say “THIS IS ENOUGH FOR YOUR TREE” or maybe just this is enough for a 6ft tree. Seems simple enough. Normal is comforting and the most uncomfortable I have been all at once. FUCK YOU 2016! And NO Facebook I would not like to see my year in review 🖕