Day 2,465 – Awareness of hidden grief

Grief is the kind of thing that comes in waves, swelling and receding.

It hides within our everyday lives, appearing when least expected. It leaves behind countless sunrises full of hope and late nights that sparkle like Hollywood lights. Some dinners are joyous, encapsulating the feeling of freedom from that ever-oppressive cloud. Our hobbies, routines, work, school, our favorite reality TV chef, and the sweet coos of our kitty cats—they all become avenues through which we wander, basking in the sunlight, discovering all the new gifts the universe has to offer. Fearless, we embark into the unknown, feeling invincible like Superman.

Hope, on the other hand, is something we must consciously choose when the fog of grief descends upon us.

In the past few months of my life, bitter lessons of resentment have been taught, creating clouds that I thought I had left behind. When unobserved, light particles behave differently compared to when viewed through our own eyes. For me, negativity and positivity are so much like this. I had believed that by focusing strictly on the future and education, I would naturally fall into a state of positivity. I genuinely thought I was free, that I had triumphed over the monsters that once ruled my mind.

But bitterness is like an overgrown and suffocating ivy plant.

Despite having been left alone in many situations, I had believed that I knew how to be okay with it. However, when triggered by disrespect, lack of autonomy, and years of derogation, I realized that I was not truly “healed”—I still had another journey to undertake in discovering my truest self. Once again, I had to chip away at the ice walls surrounding me to let light penetrate through.

At the end of the day, faith is all I have.

Once I became aware of the anger permeating through my pores, I tried to plug each hole. Yet, soon enough, I found myself covered in emotional bullet wounds, bleeding profusely through the makeshift bandages I had hastily applied. I reminisced about a show where they dived into businesses to uncover the pathetic ways, they attempted to fix issues. One particular episode featured a hole in a stone wall. In this old building, the owner believed that filling and patching up the hole would solve the problem. She stuffed steel wool into the wall and covered it with business cards that she painted over. However, once the main project director discovered it, he pulled steel wool after steel wool from the wall. What initially appeared as a beautiful flower field along the bottom part of the wall was merely a facade concealing the reality of the situation.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from my makeshift attempts. I release myself and others from the entanglement of steel wool. I will take the time needed to transform my hole in the wall into a complete structure once again.

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