“God of salvation.
You chase down my heart through all of my failure and pride.
And as you speak,
A hundred billion failures disappear.
You lost your life so I could find it here.
If you left the grave behind you,
So will I.
If you gladly chose surrender,
So will I.
If you gave your life to love,
So will I.
Like you would again a hundred billion times.”
I am scared.
Terrified.
My legs tremble with each step taken in an unknown soil.
Some slippery, murky, suctioning my feet like mud.
Many coarse and sharp.
The sounds of crunching leaves, wind whipping through trees, waves crashing against rocks, and cracking fire.
“Turn around!” screams my self doubt.
“You are NOT enough.
You will run us into ruin.
Surly.
Pathetic.
Fool.”
Let my words be a prayer of sorts.
To the spirit smoldering in the pit of me.
Of fearlessness.
Pioneering into the unknown.
Not limiting myself by what others believe I can/could/should do.
May I understand that this battle is not for just me.
It’s for my children.
Any fear I hold will never outweigh the journeys I would endeavor for them.
If only to learn from my shortcomings or character defects.
I am embarking into the unwritten.
I could not wait for a man to pave a road to guide me.
Nor draw a map.
Or an explanation of going three lights down to turn right.
It was MINE to discover or ignore if I chose.
That small voice inside urging.
“This is not your path.
Find another.
I have plans.
I have plans for YOU.
Keep going.”
I am not one to silence that.
Hopefully I never will and neither will my daughter.
As I allow myself to just try.
Just to see.
My strength is multiplying.
Rapidly.
I am calm and calculating.
My belief in essence of who I am is undeniable.
A first.
For a girl who took a very long time to begin being a woman.
May this resilience and strength be something my son holds close and he endures his own obstacles.
Unwavering belief that his so much more than what his head will hiss in the dark.
I know there is more.
I have heard it’s voice.
Clear.
Understanding.
Loving.
Concise.
And so I journey.
Never alone, even in isolation.
I finally see myself.
No matter the outcome.
I have found me.
Through the eyes of no one else but me.
“If the stars were made to worship,
So will I.
If the mountains bow in reverence,
So will I.
If the oceans roar your greatness,
So will I.
For if everything exist to lift you high,
So will I.
If the wind goes where you send it,
So will I.
If the rocks cry out in silence,
So will I.
If the sum of all our graces still fall shy.
I’ll sing again a hundred billion times.”
-Southside Worship (So Will I)
The Optimistic Widow 