Day 394

New Recording 3

I’m having this war in my head.

Where I’m starting to have feelings for someone else and I don’t know if it’s reality interjecting or if it’s my grief.

Sorry that was the first time I said that out loud I guess.

It seems that my grief overtakes everything.

It’s hard because I don’t want to avoid grief. I cannot see a benefit to that and I know that when you avoid something that you know you will have to deal with, it gets worse.

I

I’m just

I don’t know how much worse emotionally it can get.

Like I’m better now.

I think, I mean I’m not, I don’t know if I’m in the numb phase. I’m not sure but my grief is…. it. It affects me. I can be at work and like today I went to the bathroom for twenty minutes to cry! Who does that? Who does that?!!

Fuck.

That’s hard. That is a hard reality to live with. To know that while other people are living their lives completely oblivious, which they are, I know because I was. I was fucking oblivious to the pain that some live with every day and this isn’t even the worst thing that could happen to someone. I mean it’s bad but  don’t know? I feel like getting tortured would be worse. Right? Although this is emotional torture so….. I don’t know. Maybe this is the worst thing. Maybe this is one of THE WORST THINGS that could ever fucking happen to a person.

I’ve had quite a few of those.

Ahhhh FUCK!

It’s so hard to be a widow.

And have kids.

It’s so hard. It’s really really hard.

Because my grief effects EVERYTHING

I pray and pray and pray and pray and pray some more, even though I don’t identify with any religion, that I may find peace. That one day this bag or rock or mountain or universe on my back would become like a purse that I carry. Maybe like a heavy purse. All my purses are heavy and full of shit that I don’t ever need. Until I need it and then I have it. Lol

Ok ADD is a blessing. Off I go to real life.

Wish me luck.