Maybe it’s the rain.
The clouds.
The feeling of the chill creeping back into my bones.
This is a season of sadness.
An ever-immersive spiral staircase to nothing and everything.
A true “fall”
Some years I reach for autumn.
As if the wind would be warmer and tears wouldn’t blur my vision.
I sit.
I’m still.
Waiting.
Always waiting but for what?
“I am ok” I half heartedly say to myself when I accidentally lock eyes in the mirror.
One of these years I have to be actually ok after all;
Right?
I catch songs from the times before.
Played on repeat.
Words that remind and replay.
I could just not listen but my soul plays them in my mind no matter what.
The times I would plead to the sky.
In the solitude I would sing, sometimes in whispers, with my whole being.
Hoping something…. Maybe someone…. but overall I just didn’t want to feel so lost.
My heart longs to wander back into the forest of my mind. The way the light used to warm me as I traversed the rocky path.
Again longing.
Hope.
Sadness.
Searching.
Is this grief even? Is it an immeasurable amount of pain for one person that I am now truly broken within?
I have always struggled with sadness but nothing like after 2016.
Although things after that have hit just as hard.
I have been a cast of who I was. Don’t speak up. Don’t cause problems. Don’t be socially awkward. Don’t show feelings. Don’t care about loneliness. Focus on the kids. Laundry. Mortgage. Trash tv. Desensitize how you please. In and out of constant sleep. Maybe overeat?
…… It’s all just words of being afraid
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