Day 1,277

Last night I sat in the rain.
Purposefully.
Asking Pachamama to heal me.
This isolation is so challenging.
On so many levels.
I feel as though I have taken a trillion steps backwards in a matter of days.

When I use to live with my aunt there were so many aspects I struggled to understand.
Now that I am growing older it is all starting making sense.
So many times I would wonder why she didn’t really date.
Wasn’t she lonely?
Didn’t she want someone by her side?
Why was she so cynical about love?
Having realized that she loved my uncle dearly, wanted to make her marriage work, and feeling as though he turned her back on her was not enough when I was younger.
It’s in those silent moments late at night.
I understood true betrayal of the heart.
I could see the fog oozing from someone who at one point been my hearth in the blizzard.
The world had thawed and yet he had become a statue made of ice.
I wondered if that was always the reality.
He gave me so much but also took tiny pieces of me.
Ones that cause real damage.
How can something so good hide any bad?
If it was even hidden at all.

As the movie of memories played the tears fell.
They had to.
When you feel betrayed it’s hard to have faith again.
Hard to decipher what would make a person act that way.
It’s not as if I have never been betrayed before or treated poorly.
After all it was only my love for him that was dismissed.
Not my wholeness as a person.
That he nourished.
Helped grow.
Believed in.
Don’t mistake my words to mean it didn’t matter with other people in the end.
It still stung.
Yet I know now, I did not truly love them.
With Dave he loved me and I loved him and it was messy but I KNEW he loved me.
Considered me.
Even when he wanted to be selfish at least it was deliberate and he would apologize shortly after.
Many times never to repeat that same process he realized hurt me.
We were young, wild, free.
All of the happiest and most challenging times in this vortex protected by our drive to make it work.
Our mutual want to make it work.
I miss Dave in ways I had not known existed.

As I continue on my widow journey I understand all too well that one day my person could disappear.
In the past year I have challenged myself to grow in consideration.
Something I valued highly.
Being a Gemini I tend to live in delusion.
I began to break apart pieces where I had be selfish and address them.
Offering up my condolences for my behavior and a plan to adjust.
I wanted to grow.
Together.
Not separately and possibly cross tracks when he needed the comfort.
I don’t want to be a “you’re here now but” or “this would be better if”.
I want to be the reason someone smiles when they wake up.
As I know I used to be.

At 3:33 I ran a bath.
When I looked up the meaning of angel number I found it to around encouragement.
To me it was him reminding me what a badass I truly am.
To focus on the good again.
Thank you.
I needed it.

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